How to be an emotional genius

Bedroom boosters

- Larch flower remedy is great for those who need a self-confidence boost. It can help you express how you feel and is ideal for those who’ve had a blow to their self-esteem.
- Try wild oat flower remedy if you are always dating, but never able to commit. This remedy will help you gain a clearer picture of heart and mind. It’s great for eternal bachelors!
- Damiana has been used since the Mayans as an aphrodisiac. The herb enhances low libido in both men and women, and is good for anxiety related to emotional issues around sexuality.
- Horny goat weed basically does what it says on the tin! The active constituents in the herb have been found to mirror compounds in conventional medicine used for improving sexual function.
- Korean ginseng has long been used by herbalists for exhaustion and depression linked to sexual performance. Studies have found it can boost physical performance and treat impotence.

Upping your emotional intelligence quotient (EQ) can put you back in the driving seat of your sex life, says Rosalind Ryan

We all have a friend or colleague who gets on with everyone – they flirt, but do it charmingly; they listen sympathetically, but without being patronising; they are full of good ideas, but support everyone else’s too. And if they’re in a relationship? It seems as though they’ve only just met their partner, the way they are still so intimate in public. What’s their secret? It could be because they have a high level of emotional intelligence (EQ) – and scientists say this means they have better sex too.
A recent study by King’s College London revealed that women who were more emotionally intelligent had more satisfying sex lives. After monitoring 2000 female twins it was discovered that those who rated high on emotional intelligence tests experienced more orgasms than their sisters. ‘EQ seems to have a direct impact on a woman’s sexual functioning by influencing her ability to communicate her sexual expectations and desires to her partner,’ says lead author Andrea Burri.
Fortunately, we can learn how to increase our emotional intelligence, giving our sex lives a lift. Boosting this side of ourselves can help other areas of life too – from family discussions to work situations. Isn’t it time to unleash the power of your emotions?

Emotional awareness
Emotional intelligence is a tricky quality to pin down. At its core it means you are better able to understand your emotions and express them, but you are also more aware of, and can react to, the emotions and feelings of those around you. Research carried out by the London Psychometric Laboratory at University College London (UCL) discovered those with a high EQ shared common personality traits.
‘They are more adaptable, flexible and willing to change to new conditions; they are clear about their own and other people’s feelings; they can also control their own emotions,’ says Dr Dino Petrides from UCL. ‘High scorers have more self motivation – meaning they are less likely to give up when things get tough. They are more cheerful, confident and tend to look on the bright side of life.’ Other personality traits include being good in social situations and better at managing stress. ‘People with a high EQ are simply better at communication,’ adds Georgia Foster, a hypnotherapist and co-author of The 4 Secrets of Amazing Sex (£19.99 from www.georgiafoster.com). ‘They have a sixth sense for picking up what’s not being said rather than what is.’
But how can we tell if we have a high EQ? Try our quick quizbelow to work out your EQ levels. Lisa Turner, an expert in helping people release their emotions (www.psycademy.co.uk), says we all need to be aware. ‘Are you the master of your emotions or are they the master of you?’ she asks. ‘Emotionally intelligent people are not “in control” of their emotions, but being aware of them means you can respond to them appropriately and accurately.’ Turner believes that a low EQ, or not listening to your emotions and suppressing them, means they can ‘leak out’ elsewhere, triggering conditions such as IBS or even back pain.
A low EQ also equals a low sex drive. Turner says, ‘People who have a very low EQ tend to have a very low awareness of their physical body; they tend to live “in their head”. But the more in touch with your body and emotions you are, the more connected you will feel to your partner.’ Foster agrees and adds, ‘High EQ people are open to new ideas and are risk takers, which adds up to a great sex life.’ So how can we boost our EQ and get our health and sex lives back on the right track?

Improve your EQ
The first step is to become more aware of your emotions. ‘Keep an emotional journal for about a month,’ says Turner. ‘Every time you feel a negative emotion, write down what you are feeling, the date and time it happened, who you were with, what specifically caused you to feel that way and what you said or thought to yourself at the time. Do the same with your positive emotions too.’ The diary will help you identify any patterns or connections. You can then spot emotional triggers and work on beating, or increasing, them.
It is also important to label your emotions. Dr Pam Spurr, sexpert and author of Sex Dreams and Symbols (£9.99, Connections) says, ‘Devise “creative labelling” for your emotions. For instance, if your partner’s frequently late – and is late again – label that “boyfriend-frustration”. If your manager upsets you by criticising a report, label that “manager-madness”. Do this regularly and it will help you define differences in complex emotions.’ In other words, anger is not one emotion but can be a mixture of several: hurt, frustration, shame. Giving your emotions creative labels can help you become aware of the different ‘strands’ you are experiencing.
You also need to wake up your sex drive. ‘It is so important to use all your senses,’ urges Foster. ‘This will help you feel much freer as a person, and without our senses, we have dull sex lives.’ She advises really savouring your food: how does it taste? What does it smell like? How does it feel in your mouth? Next time you are sitting outside, really think about how the sun feels on your skin and the emotions it provokes. ‘We become limited lovers when we stop using our senses,’ warns Foster. So, quite literally, wake up and smell the coffee!
Asking for what you want is also vital, but can be tough if we’re not used to it. Dr Spurr says, ‘Start to practise “emotional communication”. Begin slowly, as step-by-step progress is more manageable. Always begin on a positive note to lift the mood, then work up to something else.If you are unhappy with how quickly you make love, start by telling your partner that you love it when he touches you in a certain way. Then introduce the idea of him doing it for longer and work up to having the full conversation about prolonging your lovemaking.’
Being aware of your partner’s emotions is another key aspect of boosting your EQ and your sex life. ‘I set couples this exercise to help them reconnect with each other,’ says Turner. ‘I ban them from having sex for two weeks. Then I ask them to sit naked (or wearing comfortable clothes) and gaze into each other’s eyes. Do it for at least 10 minutes every single day before bed. About 90 per cent of the couples come back and tell me that after three nights, they couldn’t help themselves and ended up having sex.’ Foster recommends a similar exercise, but says you should try to match your breathing to your partner’s too. ‘This helps create unison, intimacy and trust,’ she says.
If you are having real problems getting in touch with your emotions, it may be worth seeing a counsellor or therapist. Contact the British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy (www.bacp.co.uk) to find one near you. Being more connected to yourself and those around you is a real bonus for all your relationships, not just sexual. Although boosting your EQ is one sure-fire way to turn your love life from ‘OK’ to ‘Yes, yes, yes!’ Now, that’s one emotion, we’d all like to stay in touch with.

What’s your EQ?
Look at the questions below and answer yes or no. At the end of the quiz, see how many ‘yes’ answers you have, then discover what this says about your EQ.

Do you ever get stuck in an unpleasant emotion or mood such as depression, rage, anxiety or fear?
Is it difficult for you to feel in touch with your emotions?
Are you overly attached to smoking, drinking, sex, drugs or something else?
Do you have any nervous habits like biting your nails or jiggling your leg?
Does it make you feel bad to know someone is better at something than you are?
Do you usually go along with what others want instead of asking for what you really want?
Is it difficult for you to be totally yourself in relationships?
Do you rely on your partner or others to make decisions for you?
Are you always trying to ‘fix’ other people, even if it is ‘for their own good’?
Is it hard for you to stick to commitments?
Do you find it hard to admit you made a mistake, or apologise if something is your fault?
Is it important that other people think well of you? Would you stretch the truth to maintain this image?
Do you think you need to look ‘perfect’ and only then will you be happy?
Have you got a physical illness that you suspect could be related to stress or unexpressed emotions?
Are you worried by change and feel resistant to things such as a new boss, new food or a shift in routine?

Scores:

0-5 High EQ
You are reasonably self-aware and are pretty much the master of your emotions. But there’s always room for improvement! Will an emotional diary help you spot anything new? Make sure you are not simply repressing your emotions, as they can ‘leak out’ as ill health or addictions.

6-10 Moderately high EQ
You should consider learning more about yourself; what are you frightened of discovering? Some things may not be an issue now but, if left unchecked, could become a problem in the future. Read our expert tips on how to boost your EQ.

11-15 Low EQ
You definitely need to think about increasing your own emotional awareness and that of others. Life would be so much easier! You may have an underlying emotional trauma or problem that should be addressed – a professional counsellor may be able to help.

Adapted by Lisa Turner, Psycademy (www.psycademy.co.uk)