How to argue less and respect more

This month, executive coach Blaire Palmer helps you take control of your argumentative side with her advice on how to listen

I have been a vegetarian since the age of 14. I say ‘vegetarian’, but I do eat fish. And I’m not too fussy if there’s a meat by-product in my food (like a slice of lardy cake on a special occasion). And I don’t mind if the spatula I’m using to turn my veggie burgers on the barbecue touches my daughter’s beef burgers. These are some of the reasons I shy away from telling people I am a vegetarian. Most are determined to find hypocrisy in my stance.
I, however, am at peace with my choices. While a few delight in the opportunity to highlight the flaws in my argument, I’ve learnt it isn’t necessary to make them see my way of thinking.
We often feel compelled to point out how other people’s opinions are faulty. We cannot help ourselves but think that if they don’t agree with us, they must not fully understand the whole argument. If only we could show them how the world really is we could convince them to change their mind and make decisions based on the criteria we have used. We could show them what is ‘right’.
Don’t waste timeBeing a ‘vegaquarian’ (with the occasional meat by-product) has taught me you can waste a lot of time justifying your choices to other people – especially those who are not genuinely interested in hearing your argument and are just trying to goad you. Such conversations put me off my prawn skewers, not because I suddenly see how every little mouthful is a life, but because I’d rather talk about something important, funny or real, than indulge someone who just wants me to see that I am being ignorant.
I’ve applied this life lesson to how I view the choices other people make. I have learnt that people tend to make the best choices they can. They do not intentionally make poor choices, no matter how it may seem. Put yourself in their place, with the same upbringing, temperament, pressures and life chances. You’ll probably find that you’d make the same decision.
Everyone is different
As a coach I have to keep this in mind constantly. My role is not to find flaws in a client’s position but to help them find a solution that works for them. Often the ‘obvious’ solution I offer when we start speaking becomes irrelevant as I understand the whole situation. Sitting in the middle of their life, clients have given far more thought to their options than I have, and have already considered and rejected the obvious solutions for very good reasons.
This isn’t to say you should be neutral on every subject, never take a stance and avoid sharing ideas with people. Far from it. After all, what is this column if not my opportunity to share ideas that might inspire (or even provoke)?
We would learn more, be more compassionate and be more at ease with our own choices if we argued less and accepted, appreciated and respected other people’s choices more.

How to really listen
Next time someone holds an opinion you think is flawed, try listening instead of arguing. Your intention isn’t to change your mind or theirs, but to explore the argument as a way to enrich your own experience of life.
1 Ask questions beginning with ‘what’ and ‘how’ as opposed to ‘why’. These are more likely to get you to the heart of the other person’s argument.
2 Listen 80 per cent of the time and speak 20 per cent of the time. Silence and listening are not the same. Active listening requires you to keep an open mind and not drift off while the other person answers your questions.
3 When a voice in your head tells you the other person is being stupid, or anything else which could be construed as judgement, ‘own’ that and ask: ‘To me, those points conflict. How do you reconcile them?’ (Instead of ‘You’re not making sense!’)
4 If you aren’t really interested in the answers, don’t embark on the discussion. Talk about something you are both really interested in instead.