Honest to goodness

When it comes to our children, should we let them in on our troubles, or wrap them in emotional cotton wool?

Kidnapping, terrorist attacks, money trouble, divorce… do we really want to expose our children to everyday reality? They’ll find out about life’s dark side soon enough, so surely we should just let them believe, temporarily at least, that the world is a happy, stress-free place where everyone treats people with respect? Well, it seems the experts think differently. According to Linda Blair, author of The Happy Child (Piatkus, £10.99), it’s wrong to shield your kids from life events. ‘Every time you protect your child you make them more vulnerable because they’ll be less able to cope when there is danger and you’re not there.’
However, there is a crucial difference between telling the truth and volunteering the truth. So don’t force them to watch the news but if they ask a probing question, don’t avoid it. ‘Kids will ask as many questions as they need answering,’ says Blair. ‘When they’ve had enough, they’ll let you know.’ There’s no ideal age to start being more open with children, she says, as we all develop at different rates. ‘But they’ll let you know when they’re ready because they’ll be more inquisitive,’ says Blair.

Scary news stories
‘If you think it’s important that your children know what’s going on in the world, you need to be with them while they’re watching or listening to the news,’ says clinical psychologist Elisabeth Dark. ‘Discuss what they’ve just heard and seen, so they can ask any questions there and then and make sure you reassure them that the reason these events are making news is because they’re rare.’
Often children pick up bites of half news from the playground, which, left unexplained, can be distressing for them. And many parents pass down their fears to their children (such as when Madeleine McCann disappeared), leaving children fearful of the world outside home and school. ‘You need to help them put it into context,’ says Blair. ‘For example – if you look at abduction rates, they haven’t changed significantly in the last 50 years.’
‘Horror stories involving children can also lead to an obsession with stranger danger making many children suspicious of their communities’, says parenting coach Dorothy Boswell. ‘Parents tell me with great pride that they’ve taught their children to scream and run away if anyone talks to them – but that includes the nice lady down the road saying “That’s a lovely bike, did you get it for Christmas?”’ In reality, children are much more likely to be hurt by someone they know well. The lesson? ‘Arm your children with the facts and don’t scare your kids unnecessarily.’

Money problems
This is one of the key causes of stress and one of the main reasons couples argue – but should we hide this stress from our children? ‘Our kids know when we’re stressed,’ says Blair. ‘They depend on us for our survival so they’re hard wired to pick up any nuances in our moods.’
So if you’re going though a financial sticky patch or one of you has been made redundant, explain and reassure. Blair suggests something like, ‘Daddy’s home a lot now because they don’t have space for him any more at work so we’re being really careful with money and we’re all going to make it work – together.’
Many parents think they’re being nice by shielding their kids from money issues or caving in to pester power, but their children often end up unable to understand the value of money or how to budget. ‘This isn’t fair to them,’ says Boswell. ‘They need to learn about money management and that you don’t need to be miserable, just because you haven’t got an endless supply of cash.’
So talk about ways to save money as a family – from turning off the lights to getting in a DVD and making your own popcorn instead of going to the cinema. ‘Being honest here is positive,’ says Boswell. ‘It’s about helping children problem-solve.’

Divorce
The one thing children want when parents are divorcing is information, says Boswell. That means, ‘where will I live, where will I go to school, am I going to see my friends, how will I tell my friends, where will my toys be?” They need practical information,’ she continues. ‘Leave out unnecessary explanations and details and don’t treat them as confidantes – they don’t need to know that daddy or mummy’s been unfaithful for instance.’
Most important, they need reassurance that it’s not their fault, that both parents will always love them, and that they will always be secure with a lovely warm home to live in.

Death and illness
Sickness or death of a relative or friend can be disturbing for children, particularly if they see the adults they rely on getting upset. Don’t pretend it’s not happening – just ask them if there’s anything they want to know and explain why you feel sad sometimes. ‘Answer their questions but don’t over burden them with information,’ says Blair. ‘Reassure them you’re there for them and give them plenty of attention.’
If grandma’s been ill, say she’s really sick so she can’t play with them like she used to but she still loves to see them. How you deal with death will depend on the age of your child and your religion. ‘A three year old will think a person is coming back after they die,’ says Blair, ‘It’s only when a child gets to near adolescence that they realise that death is permanent.’ She says that all you can do is answer their questions as honestly as you can and ‘If you believe in heaven or the afterlife, share that with them.’
For parenting advice log on to Dorothy Boswell on www.parenting-coaching.com

Is honesty always the best policy?
We’re constantly encouraging our kids to be honest – to tell the truth – but how often have they heard you telling a white one to get out of a difficult situation? ‘Lying is just a reality of life’, says Boswell. ‘If your kids hear you lying to a friend, explain why you said you were busy – that you just want to stay at home with them, for instance.’
‘We still need to teach our children that there’s a balance between honest and kind,’ says Boswell. ‘By saying to nanny, “my present’s horrid and I hate it!, they need to know that this will hurt her feelings.’ She suggests explaining to them what it feels like when they’re honest in this way and discussing why people occasionally lie.

Words: Karen Williamson