1. I am at ease when:
A I know what is expected of me
B I’m just having a casual chat
C I’m with someone who is happy to dominate the conversation
D No one is looking

2. At a dinner party I am likely to:
A Ask the host how I can help and spend half the night in the kitchen
B Deflect the conversation on to others by asking lots of questions
C Rely on everyone else to keep the conversation going
D Worry about whether I am making a good impression

3. I am unnerved by:
A Having to think on my feet
B Being asked questions that are too personal
C Witty banter
D An audience

4. When in a conversation with others I tend to:
A Stick to topics I know
B Keep the conversation light
C Not know what to say
D Wonder what they are thinking about me

5. My great strengths are:
A Being fully prepared
B Independence
C Modesty
D Spotting when something’s wrong

6. Others probably don’t know that I:
A Am not as confident as I appear
B Feel nervous about letting people get too close to me
C Want to be outgoing, but find it hard to express myself
D Am always worried about making a fool of myself

7. Others are likely to describe me as:
A Controlling
B Guarded
C Timid
D Distracted

8. What keeps me awake at night?
A Not feeling ready for tomorrow
B Having spoken too freely earlier
C All the things I should have said, but didn’t
D Something I did that was really embarrassing

The results

If you scored:

Mainly As You need control

You probably have defined roles in your job and family where others experience you as confident and convivial because you’re in control. But outside your comfort zone you’re unsure how to relate to people, and feel full of anxiety in unstructured situations.
TAKE ACTION: Put yourself in situations outside your usual routine. Take some risks and don’t worry about the consequences. Go fly a kite or something you’ve never done before; so what if you’re no good at it? Use these experiences to overcome your anxiety with the unfamiliar.

Mainly Bs You don’t trust anyone

Your lack of trust is born from a fear of being hurt if others get too close. You’re likely to have experienced rejection, neglect or bullying so your shyness becomes a shelter, allowing you to avoid exposing yourself or risking fallout from unhappy relationships.
TAKE ACTION: Try telling close friends more about yourself; say how you feel, reveal personal foibles, share the odd secret. Try one small revelation at a time, so if they do let you down it doesn’t really matter. Personal disclosure not only helps shyness fall off, it also endears you to people who felt they didn’t know you before.

Mainly Cs You’re tongue tied

Inhibition is the problem here. You feel others are quick to judge you, and feel safer out of the limelight. You probably have a group of friends who appreciate you, but your shyness comes on with people you don’t know well. It’s frustrating, as you want to be appreciated for who you are.
TAKE ACTION: Other people’s judgements say more about them than you, so be true to yourself and others will get to know you. Don’t worry if they don’t get there first time, they will in due course. If they don’t, what will happen? Not much. The alternative is a lifetime of being misunderstood.

Mainly Ds You blame yourself

Self-criticism fuels this shyness. A commentary in your head tells you all the things you’re doing wrong. It’s a load of nonsense, but you can’t turn it off.
TAKE ACTION: Silence your inner critic by concentrating on what’s going on outside your head: the words the other person uses, the way their lips move or anything else that’s happening. This will distract you so your confidence shines through.

Compiled by: Emma Sutehall

We’re living in unsettled times, so now may not seem right for a leap of faith. ‘But if you don’t take chances, your life won’t change,’ says life coach Julia Armstrong (www.ultraperformance.co.uk). Of course, compulsively throwing yourself into new things could in itself be a way of escaping from difficulties in your life rather than dealing with them – but sometimes taking a chance and trying something different can be just what you need. Don’t expect it to be easy though. ‘It’s called a comfort zone for a reason, and getting out of it can feel painful,’ points out Armstrong.
Answer our questions, right, to work out how snugly you’re tucked under your security blanket. Try to imagine each situation, or think back to a time in your life when something similar was going on for you, and consider how you reacted.

For each question, think about your reactions to the scenario described, and score yourself 1-4 points with:1=very unlikely, 2=quite unlikely, 3=somewhat likely, 4=very likely.

1. You’re fed up with your job and long for a new career. A friend points out a full-time course that you could do, and suggests you just leave your job and throw yourself into it. Would you?
2. For the last year, your relationship’s been difficult and you’re having to face the hard facts – it isn’t working. Will you end it?
3. It’s one thing after another at the moment – life just doesn’t seem to be working out. You’ve lost your job, been through a divorce, and have a dull social life. Your friend has recently decided to up sticks and move abroad. Would you ever do the same?
4. A new colleague is going away for a long weekend, and the friend who was going to accompany her has dropped out. Impulsively, she asks you if you’d like to join her, even though you barely know each other. Would you go?
5. Your sister has been through a difficult time, and has just rung to tell you she’s embarked on a wild affair with a much younger man. How likely is your reaction to be positive?

The results

If you scored 5-10:
You’re in the comfort zone
You’re risk-averse, and it probably comes from early experiences. You may have grown up around parents who disliked taking chances, and you have learned to behave that way too – or maybe they took risks which backfired, and you’re scared of repeating those patterns. You may be naturally anxious, or were bullied at school, leaving you scared of standing out. Staying in your comfort zone can keep you safe, but also unfulfilled. Try to take some well-judged risks. You’ll never be the type to leap without looking, but experiment with some reasonably safe risk-taking.

If you scored 11-15:
You take balanced risks
You will do something different if an area of your life isn’t working out – but only after you’ve considered it in great detail. Either your parents behaved this way, or you’ve learnt your risk-taking style through your own experiences – you may be a natural risk-taker, but have been stung by taking chances that haven’t worked out. Your style of risk-taking is generally a good one – you’re not too reckless, but you don’t tend to get stuck in a rut either.

If you scored 16-20:
You’re a reckless risk-taker
You’re impulsive, and it may be down to your brain chemistry. Research, including a study from Cambridge University, has suggested the chemical dopamine plays a role – those with lower levels may be more impulsive. But it could, in part, be learned behaviour. Some risks are bound to work out, so you could reap some big rewards for your behaviour, but you’re also in danger of putting yourself on the line financially, emotionally, even physically. Try pressing pause and considering situations before taking a chance – you may find you take fewer risks.

Compiled by Charlotte Haigh

Part 1

For this section, score the statements on a scale of one to five, with
1 = not at all like me
2 = occasionally like me
3 = somewhat like me
4 = often like me
5 = very much like me

A I believe it is more important to have my needs met than to be liked by everyone

B I will always speak out if something seems unfair

C I will tell someone if they have upset me, even if I sometimes find it hard to do so

D I am always clear in my own mind about what is and what isn’t acceptable to me at work

E I have sometimes been described as ‘intimidating’

Part 2

For this section, score the statements on a scale of one to five, with
1 = very much like me
2 = often like me
3 = somewhat like me
4 = occasionally like me
5 = not at all like me

F Friends see me as the peacemaker

G I feel uncomfortable with the idea of upsetting people

H I know I put other people in front of myself

I People often ask me for favours

J I find it hard to say ‘no’, whether that’s to colleagues or friends

The results

If you scored:

10-14
You don’t like to ruffle feathers, and you go out of your way to please others. While that’s a very nice quality, it can sometimes mean you don’t get your own needs met. Women in particular can be prone to a lack of assertiveness, perhaps because we’re brought up to believe we shouldn’t make demands, and because, culturally, we’re often the ones with the role of caring for others.
Your learning curve:
Know the difference between assertive and aggressive. You can politely state your needs without having to be angry or confrontational. Practise saying ‘no’ with a smile – you don’t need to make excuses or explain yourself. If someone invites you out and you’re not in the mood, simply saying ‘no thanks, but perhaps we can meet another time’ is sufficient. After you’ve done this a few times you’ll notice that nobody will be offended.

16-30
You have it in you to be assertive at times, but it’s likely this doesn’t apply to all areas of your life. For example, perhaps you have no problem with saying ‘no’ to your friends, but find it difficult to do so at work. If you are assertive in some areas, but not others, the chances are this is linked to where your insecurities lie. Do you find it hard to decline extra work from your boss? This may be because you feel uncertain about how you’re seen at work.
Your learning curve:
Identify areas where you are less confident about being assertive. Ask yourself why this might be, and what you can do to build up your self-worth in those areas. Try to apply the assertiveness you have to other areas.

31-50
You’re good at stating your needs and setting boundaries, but be careful this doesn’t go too far. The higher your score in this section, the more likely it is you may be bordering on aggressive at times. Just like a lack of assertiveness, this can originate from a lack of confidence – you may fear people will take advantage, or not pay attention, unless you are very forceful.
Your learning curve:
Just become aware of your behaviour. Other people’s reactions to you are a great gauge. It could be that you’re just good at being assertive, but if you notice people are sometimes afraid to ask you for things, you may need to tone it down a bit. Soften your tone of voice, smile, and watch the words you use. Be less absolute, and try offering suggestions as well. Rather than saying ‘No, it’s absolutely impossible for me to do that’, try: ‘I’d love to help but I wouldn’t be able to do it in that time – could you give me a few extra days?’

How did you get on? Let us know in the comments box below…