Terri: I have a dreadful relationship with my mother. I have two older sisters, and my mother wanted a boy. My nanny told me that when I was born my mother said: ‘Take her, I’m not interested.’ I liken her behaviour to sitting in a car, with her knocking on the window. I wind it down a bit, and she says one nice thing so I wind it down a bit more, and she says more nice things so I open it completely and then comes the punch.

Sally: Can you give me an example of what she would say that was hurtful?
T: How long do you have? She’d say a dress looked great, and then add: ‘Of course, it would look a lot better if you lost weight.’ I manage the relationship very carefully, but sometimes I slip and get a kicking.

S: Did you get love from others in your family?
T: My parents gave me no affection, and were totally uninterested in what I did. My sisters were very clever, but I failed miserably at school. When I was 16, I left home and went to work. My parents were horrified – I was a huge disappointment. But my nanny gave me unconditional love, and I met my husband very young so, between them, they gave me the support and respect I craved.

S: How do you manage the pain you feel?
T: I don’t let my mother see me upset. I’ve had therapy to deal with the anger and pain of knowing I’ll never have a wonderful mum.

S: Has your relationship with her changed as you’ve grown older?
T: It’s different now because my father has dementia and my mother is physically frail – though mentally fine – so I managed to get them to sell their house and move into a retirement development. I was the one who lived close by, and she was constantly calling at night to say she couldn’t work the TV, so I would have to drive over and sort it out.

S: Why didn’t you ask her to wait till morning?
T: I’m a very dutiful daughter.

S: What fascinates me is why you still haven’t given up on your relationship with her.
T: To be brutally honest, my parents have an awful lot of money, and I want it for my children. My view is that my inheritance is compensation for my childhood. If they had no money, I definitely wouldn’t be helping them out like this.

S: That sounds very angry and punishing.
T: It’s how I feel. Strangely, because I managed their move my mother thinks I’m her best friend, and the relationship has turned on its head. She’s told me she had numerous affairs, so she’s colder and more calculating than I thought. Over the years, she’s accused me of doing many things I didn’t, and then I learn she’s done them herself. It makes me so angry.

S: Maybe she was projecting her guilt on to you.
T: Totally. My father is stiff upper-lipped, and after they married she realised they had nothing in common, so she had affairs. She said she wanted the trappings of marriage and prosperity without giving back anything.

S: She sounds rather like a narcissist who can’t feel empathy.
T: Yes. She moved my father into the dementia unit despite having full-time care in their flat. She was a research chemist and said she felt more sympathy for the lab rats than ‘that wreck of a human being’, as she calls him.

S: Oh, dear. Is she resentful of him?
T: Yes, for not being the man she wanted.

S: Do you feel any compassion for her?
T: I do for her life now, but, otherwise, no – she lost her rights to have anything from me.

S: It must be tiring carrying this heavy burden of resentment. In one voice you say it doesn’t affect you, but the other voice says it does.
T: I don’t think it’s resentment as much as resignation. The only way to deal with it is by protecting myself. She’s a total fantasist.

S: That’s where we go back to narcissism, which means everything is built around her.
T: You can’t reason with it. She’s never wrong, never says thank you, but does now say she doesn’t know what she’d do without me. I say she’d be in a corner without the TV remote.

S: Is there any place of conciliation you would like to reach with your mother?
T: It would be impossible. She describes me as cold and heartless, but has no idea that I’m actually a big cuddle merchant. I have to separate being angry and grieving for what I haven’t got, which is a good mother.

S: You’re still very emotionally invested in her. Anger is an attachment. Until you lose that, there’s no way you can emotionally separate. Why not physically step back?
T: She resents it hugely if I don’t speak to her, because I used to speak to her three times a day – she’d be phoning, asking for things.

S: She’s living in assisted housing…
T: I know, but it’s a new-build development so there are lots of teething problems. I’m making excuses, aren’t I?

S: Yes. You’re allowing her to live rent-free inside your head, and anger is the connection. Any strong emotion will keep you glued to somebody. Stop playing the dutiful daughter – she’ll complain, but have to get used to it.
T: That’s the best piece of advice I’ve had in a long time.

S: Some space might allow you to develop a different perspective. I think that forgiveness is too big a word. Acceptance is more helpful.
T: Yes, acceptance is a good compromise.

S: It’s a fact that you are never going to change her and she’s never going to give you what you want. If we keep going after things we’re never going to get, it’s like banging our heads against a brick wall. We just get brain damage.
T: Yes, I completely agree with you. And I’m definitely going to try to adopt that attitude with my mother from now on.

S: How do you think you will feel when she dies?
T: I will definitely grieve – but only for the mother I didn’t have. She has never told me she loves me, never given me a cuddle or even extended to me the normal, basic emotional rights of a daughter.

S: Do you think you’re still looking for her approval in life?
T: No, I gave up on that a long time ago.

S: So why do you keep going back for more?
T: I don’t know. As you say, there’s no real need. She’s in a set-up where she’s very well looked after. The upside of having such a terrible mother is that it’s taught me about real compassion, so now everybody comes to me for comfort. And I’m a very good mother to my own children.

S: So, perhaps it might be helpful to look at ways in which you might be grateful.
T: Yes, definitely. I have to focus on letting go of the anger I associate with her.

S: Resentment is corrosive so we need to let go of it. The Buddhist writer Jack Kornfield said: ‘Letting go is not getting rid of; letting go is letting be.’
T: That’s exactly it. I need to let it be and stop spending hours thinking and talking about her, because that keeps me attached. I’m not going to allow her so much space
in my head now. Thank you. This has been very helpful and insightful.

*For more psychology and wellbeing features pick up our latest issue of Healthy magazine at your nearest Holland & Barrett store.

According to trend forecasters The Future Laboratory, we are entering ‘The Wisdom Age’, in which business heroes will be experts and specialists. The theory goes that the internet brought the age of information and now we are in a period where authority, authenticity and sincerity will be the most valued commodities. If you think about it, this shift is already rippling through the world of music – Adele and Lady Gaga being true artists; the world of books – with writers Jonathan Franzen and Jennifer Egan writing expertly crafted novels; and the world of food – where culinary specialisation is the way forward with restaurateurs devoting themselves to one kind of food (witness Jamie’s new meat-themed Barbecoa). This all makes my heart sing.

At Healthy, we believe passionately in the power of expertise and wisdom. Our specialists and medical experts are critical in delivering you the most well-researched and up-to-date information to help you manage your health. For example, in this issue we’ve worked with dietician Amanda Ursell and exercise specialists Lomax to create a diet and fitness plan designed to kick-start your health regime and keep you going till spring. Tell us how you’re getting on at Facebook (www.facebook.com/healthymagazine) and Twitter (@healthymag); we’ll be posting updates to motivate you at www.healthy-magazine.co.uk. And for the first time, this issue we’re giving you three Healthy covers to choose from: 40-something Yasmin Le Bon, 50-something Carol Vorderman and 60-something Helen Mirren – they share their keep-young secrets inside. Turn to  page 153 in the magazine to see all three issues –vote for your favourite and you could win £25 of Holland & Barrett vouchers.
To get your hands on a copy, pick up our Jan/Feb issue of Healthy in a Holland & Barrett near you.

Jane x

What a day! While preparing a morning battling with my email inbox at the office, I was unexpectedly invited to the Olympic park in London to watch GB battling it out with Austria in a game of handball.

For those desperate to see the new park, you’ve got lots to look forward to. There’s some stunning architecture in the making, much of it already completed, and a number of cutting-edge sports facilities. All of which will pave the way for up and coming sports stars, and hopefully, create future Trojan athletes. Now that I’ve seen the park coming into fruition, I’m sure it’s going to rejuvenate the UK sport industry too. Yes, you heard it here people, London 2012 will go down in sporting history!

Asides from ogling at the glittering new stadium and feeling a touch over patriotic and teary-eyed, I watched a women’s handball test match between Austria and Great Britain. If you’re a newbie to handball, much like I was before cosying into my seat at the game, here’s a condensed summary:

In layman’s terms, it’s a cross between football and netball. Players are allowed to to touch the ball anywhere on their bodies above, and including, the knee. When a player has the ball, they need to pass within three seconds of possession and dribbling, catching and kicking is all allowed. When it comes to tackling, body contact is acceptable and so is, er, pushing. That’s right, just as long as it isn’t at full arm’s length. So think Dodgeball with catching, pushing, and mini football goal posts. But the best bit about handball is the fast-paced action and matches packed with drama – exactly the reason why I’m adding it to my growing list of ‘sports to watch’ next summer.

Oh, and if you’re wondering, team GB didn’t take the winner’s spot (boo, hiss), but worry not, they have plenty of time to brush up on their handy skills for 2012. So let’s keep our fingers crossed.

The event was part of the London Prepares series and helps in the London 2012 Organising Committee, for more info about London Prepares, go to londonpreparesseries.com.

In our January/February issue of the magazine Laura Agar Wilson, 29, from Durham, won the coveted Healthy hero crown, but could YOU be our next big winner? We’re still looking for nominees so get in touch now!

What was your inspiration, what challenges did you overcome on the way, has your new healthy life given you fresh opportunities ie a change in career or the chance to do things you couldn’t before (climb a mountain or do a charity trek perhaps!)?

To enter, send you/your nominee’s name, age, address, daytime phone number, a clear full-length photo, and 100 words telling us why you/they are a Healthy hero. Email healthy@therivergroup.co.uk with ‘Healthy hero’ in the subject line. You can post your entries too, just address your nominations to Healthy Magazine, Healthy Hero, River Publishing, 1 Neal Street, London, WC2H 9QL.

We can’t wait to see your entries!

Guest Editor, Henry Dimbleby

Also inside, we have expert features on SAD (page 14), how to maximise your winter health routine (page 18) and advice on ways to look after your stomach in this time of overindulgence (page 20)… Plus the latest fitness trend – going online for personal training (page 139), and a special report on getting to the crux of your fears, so you can live anxiety-free (page 83).
Why not visit us online at www.healthy-magazine.co.uk, ‘like’ us on Facebook (www.facebook.com/healthymagazine) and follow us on Twitter (@healthymag) – we’d love to hear your views about the issue. And don’t forget to redeem your discount vouchers – worth an amazing £107 – at your local Holland & Barrett store.

Season’s greetings to you all.

Jane

*For your copy of the magazine, visit your nearest Holland & Barrett from 5th November.

Who? Socialite Paris Hilton

The secret? Pilates

‘I’ve been doing Pilates to keep my body toned and cardio in the gym. I’m on a lean diet with lots of organic fruits, veggies and vitamin juices. I have so much energy and feel amazing.’

Who? Vanessa Hudgens

The secret? Military bootcamp

‘It was the most intense thing anyone could ever do. I was bawling my eyes out because they push you so hard. But it’s amazing what you find from it.’

Who? Megan Fox

The secret? Raw food

‘I eat five times a day and don’t diet, but I do eat healthily – mostly raw and vegan food with no dairy.’

*For more health tips and fitness advice see the September/October issue of Healthy magazine, on sale 24th September – 4th November in Holland & Barrett stores and selected newsagents nationwide.

Comedian and actress Ruby Wax is not someone you’re likely to associate with depression, but as she candidly reveals (page 65) she has endured the debilitating illness for years. It’s not always obvious when you are unwell and that’s why we all need to be mindful of any changes in our own bodies. Making a commitment to a healthy lifestyle is a positive way of valuing yourself – inside we’ll show you how.

For some practical exercise dos and don’ts, turn to page 138 to read international fitness guru Bob Greene’s advice, designed to turn the clock back a massive 20 years! Meanwhile, Healthy’s fitness expert Matt Scott targets tummies on page 154.

On page 68 we explore how skin ages and how you can halt the tracks of time. For protein-rich recipe ideas, there are scrumptious soya breakfasts on page 124. Our special report (page 97) on life coaching explains how coaches can help us achieve the vibrant and happy lives we truly want.

Inside the magazine you’ll also find £78 worth of Holland & Barrett discount vouchers. Plus don’t miss out on your Rewards for Life card – the Holland & Barrett rewards scheme launches nationwide on 29 September.

Enjoy!

Jane Druker

Editor

Arriving at Hyde Park on Sunday, we were overwhelmed by the positive vibes in the air. A sea of pink filled the green space as thousands of women (and children) queued behind the starting line, waiting to begin. Our team of runners took their positions near the start and the walkers took up stance further back.

Setting off, spirits were high as everyone embarked on the challenge. It was very moving to see notes pinned to the back of some of the participant’s T-shirts with pictures and messages of the different charities and people they were running for. It really brought home how important the event is for everyone involved.

Three miles may not seem like a huge distance but with the sun beating high in the sky, the heat was taking its toll as we rambled round the track. But the great thing about taking part with a team means we could motivate each other to keep going.

Unfortunately, none of our team managed to scoop coveted first place, with Justina Heslop, the England Athletics 500m champion, coming in at an impressive 15 minutes and 59 seconds! Our runners crossed the finish line at around 35 minutes, while the walking members of our team made it at just over an hour. We proudly donned our medals and congratulated each other, each of us thrilled to have taken part in such a great event.

We’re raising money for Breakthrough Breast Cancer, if you’d like to please sponsor us, just click here. For more information about the event, visit www.womenschallenge.co.uk.

While a few of us will be tackling the 5K by running the distance, most of us will be walking. It’s still a great way to stay fit and healthy – walking briskly for three hours a week offers the same protection against heart disease and diabetes as running for an hour and a half a week*.

With two weeks to go until the big day, we decided to get some practise in and set off at lunchtime to power walk. As our office is close to St James’ Park in London, we headed there to not only get a good workout, but take in the beautiful scenery.

By the time we reached our destination, we’d already had a decent ten-minute warm-up on the journey from the office and we picked up the pace. We spent 40 minutes circling the greenery – and dodging pigeons – and by the time we’d returned to our start point, we were suitably pink in the cheeks.

Our ten-minute cool down walk back to work brought us to the end of our lunch hour – and really set us up for a productive afternoon of work!

You can find out more about the Adidas Women’s 5K Challenge here and please sponsor us at: www.justgiving.com/TeamNBTY.

*According to the Nurses’ Health Study

As mentioned previously, I was now taking part in the triathlon in a relay team. One of my teammates would swim, the other would cycle and I would complete the race by running 5K.

I met with my new teammates that morning. Steve Evans would be taking on the tough part of the 750m swim, while James Cash would tackle the 20km cycle. Both Steve and James would also be taking on the Olympic distance triathlon the next day, so this was merely a ‘warm-up’ for them! I must admit, I felt slightly like an impostor beside these amazing sportsmen but they couldn’t have been warmer in welcoming me to the team.

Soon, it was time to head down to the waiting area. By this point, Steve had already completed his swim and James was off on his cycle. I felt very nervous having never taken part in a race before. It wasn’t long before James came back and I was up. They wished me good luck and off I sped.

My nerves didn’t stand me in good stead and I had to try and calm down, as my uneven breathing wasn’t helping. But, after the first couple of kilometres I felt much better and running in the sunshine was glorious, if a little hot.

The great thing that helped me keep going was the cheering from people lining the racetrack. It didn’t matter that they didn’t know who you were – they just wanted to tell you how great you were doing!

We had to run two laps of 2.5K each and after the first, knowing I was halfway was a great incentive to keep me going. As I approached the end of the race, my teammates were waiting for me on the last bend and the three of us completed the triathlon together – it was a fantastic feeling to cross the finish. I managed to complete the run in just over 31 minutes.

My team finished 15^th place out of 55 so we were more than pleased with that – not to mention we even beat Richard Branson and his team!